My experience with social media has been a very complicated and emotional journey. I had been exposed to it at a young age– i was probably 11 when i got my first facebook account– so it was a big influence over me as i was growing up. From facebook, i went to youtube, watching beauty gurus and lifestyle type channels. Then from youtube i went to instagram. Consuming these influencers’ content was a big part of my life, and played a big role in growing up.
I am a very sensitive individual. I am highly empathetic. It’s kind of to the point where i can feel people’s energy around me, and when i’m watching a movie or reading a book, sometimes i even feel like i am in that story… i’m not sure if that entirely makes sense, but basically, i feel things really hard, and feel what others are feeling very easily. So for a young girl, not yet sure of who she was, consuming all this content and being exposed to others validating one another based on what they share, wasn’t very good for me personally.
I didn’t know who i was or who i wanted to be. I would see all different kinds of girls with large subscriber counts being loved and validated because of the person they shared with the world. As a young girl, wanting to find her place and to feel worthy and to be loved, i kind of took to trying on different characters and personalities, as an attempt to be loved.
Social media became a sort of addiction to me. Always consuming, always sharing, but never from my heart. Everything i shared was while thinking about what others might think about it. Nothing was for me. Nothing was for fun. It was so so strange to see some of my friends share whatever they wanted and feel so light about using different platforms, when here i was feeling so trapped and having so much anxiety over what i posted.
This changed a little bit when i had my “spiritual awakening” for lack of a better term. I became a lot more aware of the universe, of energies, of a more spiritual type of living. I wanted to share this and inspire others, through social media. I found myself spilling so much of my soul onto instagram, in hopes people would relate or be inspired. I told myself it was foe me, but it was still for others, i just had an excuse now.
Things started to change for real, when i got sick, went through a depression period, dropped out of university, and moved back home. So so much was going through in my life. I was starting to see the stories people had for themselves. The labels many people would cling to so they would feel safe. The life i was telling myself i wanted, when i really never did. I’m not saying this is everyone on social media at all. I know there are many people who share authentically. But at this point, i was beginning to realize that is would be very difficult for me personally to share anything authentically, because i felt like anything i would share would just be a story i made for myself, and an image i wanted others to see me as. I could never show all of me, and even if i tried, i would still subconsciously be sharing a biased version.
I don’t want to be social media famous anymore. I don’t really even want to use social media much–at least not how i used to use it. I used to think that in order to live the life i wanted, i had to make other people think that i am living that life…. but that is so far from the truth. I can be me. I can live the life of my dreams. I can travel. I can make art. I can inspire people to live a holistic and happy life. I can have a family. I can have amazing and beautiful friends. I can do all this, and the amazing part is that i don’t need to share it with anyone. 🙂
So i turned to blogging! I don’t need anyone to read this blog, and i don’t know if anyone even does. It’s pretty therapeutic for me to document my life and to express things i learn and find interesting. But with a blog, it is completely my space. There is no validation. No numbers. Nothing that would ever make me inauthentic. I’m writing this blog for me.
And it feels good.